They use their tails to slap the sh*t out of other dogs.

They steal your tater tots then vomit them up whole.

They steal your ride and leave you to die in the freezing cold.

They steal ice cream from babies and swallow the cone whole, without even tasting it.

They bulldoze toddlers.

They use their disabilities to steal from others.

They steal from their own kind.

They’re blanket thieves.

They steal cupcakes and eat them with the wrapper still on.

They want you to be fat and out of shape.

They sexually assault grandmas.

They’ll pee on your leg, while you’re wearing your favorite pink pants.

They interrupt your day by getting into fights with the cat.

They dive bomb babies then whisper cruel taunts to the injured child.

They wake you up at dawn by snorting in your face and dragging their genitals across your bedspread.